The sun is returning to the place where it was in the sky, shining on the last day of my mother’s life.
When you lose a parent, you are actually losing a bit of yourself. The physical matter is obvious; looking at the spiritual implications of this deliver a powerful question. There are things our 10% usage doesn’t understand about how the other 90% functions and I think a lot of it is just our ability to be connected with one another without traditional physical conversation.
We are energy. So why wouldn’t we converse in energy?
There’s a special conversation between parent and child. I don’t know all of it’s power but I know as a powerful person; it has a very serious power over me.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I am connected to my mother. We share a name, most of a face, blood, passion, and Philly attitudes. I am my mother, I am her mother, I am her mother (echo) ~~i am her mother~~
This weekend, a holiday about the fact that capitalism has us so fucked up that maybe we ought to sprinkle one day on the lower class so they feel like we’re thinking of them. Oh, but you have labor day/black history month/mlk day/some bullshit that isn’t ceasing bad behavior. This is the weekend of my mother’s death.
I found her.
It was at least 6 minutes of clear thinking, purse emptying, no I need your phone right now she’s dead and I need to call 911, no I’m not doing cpr she’s lying in her own, no don’t go in the house you won’t like what you, yes I’m safe ma’am, eyes I’ve never met before on me, howling at the setting sun, crippled by the feeling of loss, I knew it would feel bad but what the fu——, this isn’t happening, I’m so angry, I want to die, I have to do something about this, I’m tired, she left me with no one, she fucked me over, she was my only mother, she was crazy, I’m crazy, I’m useless, I’m nothing, I’m her daughter, she left me behind, I wonder what death is like, she would have told me if I asked her, why didn’t she warn me how this would hurt when HER FATHER DIED YOU DIDNT WARN ME HOW THIS WOULD DAMAGE THE REST OF MY LIFE I loved you and you made it so hard for me to do that, you left me behind, you gave me your name I am powerful, I am capable of anything.
And the sun will set again tomorrow.